Nice Shooting, Young Lady

"So... Out of my brilliant mind am I!...Grrrr Retaliation is in the air so just U wait mr K!"

Come on then... let's go!

My Rollo Kim Christ Mouse Special has mysteriously appeared on my desktop this morning. I was looking for that!

Rollo

Captain Scarlet or Cary Grant

So, to highjack a link from Zeno , my fellow Boring Lesbian Boy [I'm sorry but someone is going to HAVE to set up boringlesbianboy.com at some point!], what exactly is a Darkrave? It's a Goth thing isn't it? It basically means 'Goth night' doesn't it? Nice spikes though. See, when I was a kid, we never got away with it, being Goth I mean. There was no hope of making it cool... weird...

"We didn't have Drum and Bass in my day. We called it Jungle..." Armando Iannucci

One of the finest sites I've seen: abandoned places.

Clear has the room above mine. But I didn't really meet her until the night I caught her setting alight to the landlord's house. I mean, she was stood out on the expansive lawn, admiring the view, with a burning length of rope in her hand. I assumed it was 'all her own work'.

My room is really two rooms with an interconnecting door. This means that I have two front doors. I've thought about nailing both of them closed...

The little girl from across the hall who does my shopping is explaining to her younger brother about the new system of pullies that she has installed at the foot of the stairs. She says that it will enable them to hang even bigger dogs than the previous system. They don't seem to have any visible form of parent.

Rollo

Who needs sleep when you can just sit and wobble, for hours. So my latest effort has become:

'Seven Steps To Global Self Obsession, or, Build Yourself a Better You... Rollo Kim's Seven Step Guide': it's about missing persons [as always], and a parody-self-help/pulp fiction novel, and it actually has 23 steps... oooohhh, how witty...

This is what happens whe you eat breakfast at 12.23 am and take naps instead of real sleep. YaY!
Rollo

When the words that they feed you become more and more complex, and the hours that you are sleeping are becoming less and less...

when the things that they say, remind you of better times, but make you want to cry... Correcting your spelling while the world 4ucks sleepless, or sleeps 4uckless...

In the spaces between pages, in the spaces between talk and walk... the steamed windows and the smeared faces beyond. Fingers moving - plans of their own. Prop the phone up on its pillow. Sleep with the News on - the jitter-babble of speeding news readers, that move too fast, speak to quick to understand. Excited about something...

At 3.45 am, with twin beakers crammed with toothbrushes in various states of repair, smiling with knotted teeth that clatter, like pensioners, tumbling towards the foot of the stairs, head first, in cheap trainers, with feeble limbs flailing, voices resigned to unheard cries - exclamations pillow soft, self-conscious... German Dictionary: FOR TRAVELLERS...

Rollo

25 and I still fucking love you...

A girl called SoaPy TiT WanK. [cheered me up anyway! And I don't go in for that kind of fun stuff]. If that don't D-serve a link I don't know what does. You dirty!

"They don't want to learn because they don't believe we have anything to teach. Look at us, we're laughable failures in clothes from thirty years ago..." A Teacher, yesterday.

"The lessons usually end when the teacher starts to cry, that's when the lesson usually ends... and they usually do, and it usually does." A pupil, today.

"Fall in love with everyone..." The Sufi, Whitley Strieber, Dr Ability, Michael, and Paul Weller?

"Twenty five and I still fucking love you!" A. Crackerdog

So I had to be in this 'performance', you see... it was a piece about erm... identity and perception, by this cool bi-girl in the third year who had just shaved her head but had really awful dress sense. So I chickened out half way through and pleaded with her to just let me be the back end of a cow. So she let me be the back end of a cow. And on the evening of the performance we were all stood outside the venue [the 'performance was being held in this green-house effort in the middle of the college canteen], and it was bloody freezing. And I was freezing in just a T-shirt and 'back-end of a fucking cow-trousers', stupid twat that I was [all hair and eyeliner]... and then the snooty girl who seemed to be playing the 'snooty girl in nowt but her exotic underwear, Louise Brookes hair and trainers', asked if she could hide under the cow-costume to keep warm, and proceeded to rub her lacey-pantied ass into my crotch for the next five minutes... not that she would have passed the time of day with me under normal circumstancecs...

The smug smirkage of my DaD, the tears and concern of MuM, the stubbornness and ignorance of my Gran, the politics of a militant Gandy [according to tests!], the physical appearance of a drug addled John Hegley, the mental instability of my extended family, the combined dress sense of everyone I ever, ever met, a sexuall preference for angry, intelligent, brattish, pouting, boyish girls, a musical preference for free-jazz drums and minimalism, a preference for total, beautiful honesty. The singing ability of Billy Bragg, after a car crash, the writing ability of a well-meaning six year old Goth, who's been force-fed a hand full of sleeping pills by a smiling neighbour claiming they are 'special sweetieeeeeeeeesssssss'.

Rollo

"I've reached this point where I'm so old that I have hair growing out of my ears, and between my teeth..."

Before I get a smack - there was a party... it was a Bond party... I had my polo neck all freshly pressed and clean... I really wanted to go... but I have antique porn to sort out and I have to stay awake pretty much 24 hrs a day to get it done. And I need to get it done so I don't have to miss any more lovely partieez.

And I'm staying awake. And I'm not getting it done. In over my head. So I take a break. And my parent's fancy new video player eats my one-off-not-available-in-the-fucking-shops-anywhere Cocteau Twins video compilation. Fucking Jesus christ. Never again. If I get this done I'm going to take a holiday. Not just a day trip. A fucking ho - lee - day. And I'm not bloody-well coming back neither. Hmm.

It made me smile and it made me cry. I have not looked at the world in the same way since reading It . It's about everything: It's about being human. It's about perception, life, death, suffering, joy, and pain. It's on sale at a reduced price - it's a comforting, dynamic, inspiring read, especially at a time like this. This has to be one of the best books I've read: a much needed Zen slap. A head splitter. It's called The Key and I've been unable to put it down for longer than a couple of days since I bought a copy over four months ago.

"He makes things so incredibly clear, and some of his ideas, because they are so new, are somehow, at this time, deeply comforting. It is wonderful to see, in this dark hour, that we have a path ahead of us, that there are higher levels of spirit and self still available to us. He makes all this so very clear. "

Can I just point out that that stupid little thing I said down there about a certain disaster movie was from yesterday [Monday] - I would not dream of making fun of something like todays events. I promise you it's just a coincidence, and I apoligize if anyone read it the wrong way. I've actually spent the majority of the day being sick and checking the news. "We pray, that there may be peace."

Rollo

Hello, I’m Harry Houdini, one of the most famous magicians, illusionists, and the most famous escape artist in the world.

He had played the leading man in Towering Inferno [a disaster movie from the late 60's set inside a burning piano]. But his success had been entirely fleeting, and his glinting charm soon transformed itself into shark-eyed cynicism.

They snicker, exchange whispers, spiteful laughter. Like children. He sits and waits, dreams of the outside world turned grey and cold. Even green is grey.

Rollo

Weelllll... just a brief glimpse of realism: relieved to read that Biz is OK about me NoT attending his bash any way! And other equally ace Invisible personas are having a 007 theme party and I doubt I can do that either [grrrrrrrr - any opportunity to wear a polo-neck must not be avoided my fellow spypunkers!] But you never know, I may actually earn some money this month so who knows - maybe I COULD have a social life once more... make up for it.

Seriously, I seem to spend the entire week glued to one computer screen or another. So I spent the day a'rambling in The Chase Forest, armed only with a big stick and a bottle of water [OK so I stopped to smoke ONE fag, but it was only a Silk Cut]. But it did me good, 'back to me routes' etc. How can something so beautiful, vast and peaceful be situated amongst such shitty - ugly, hostile little towns?

On a more constructive note, you can download the entire Blue Jam collection here. For those sleepless nights. It's a Flu vibe!

When they asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up, he said he wanted to disappear, just like his Father.

Rollo

And the irony of it all is that every time I try to post this thing my mac crashes and my stereo switches itself off. Serves me right for taking the piss:

Welcome to the exciting world of the internot. This week, Rollo Kim offers a unique glimpse into the world of registering someone elses name and producing a really awful web site in their honour.

SITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION

step 1: register the domain name [.com] of your favourite artiste. Ensure that you choose the most well-respected, influencial and enigmatic artiste possible. Don't go for anyone too obvious, like Robbie Williams, because he eats shoes for a living and looks like a half-starved chimp on coke.

step 2: forget that you have registered both .com and .org, and that they both lead to the same index page, so that visitors who arrive via your .com and .org URLs get a splash screen that says .org [that's always a nice touch: a real sign that you simply don't have time to worry about the technicalities, like whether you really are the person to take the responsibility of registering another person's name and doing it justice - it's too late, don't worry about that.]

step 3: try to have as little information about your subject as possible, just the same snippets that are available everywhere else [you have the official domain name so your site counts more than there's, even if they've got cool looking graphics and lightning fast download times - nice looking sites are just so 20th Century, don't you think?]. Besides, you will have ensured that each page within your site takes at least 30 minutes to appear on the browser's screen, even your 404 errors. [even with a top notch connection speed - that's equality in action!] This will ensure a certain amount of emotional content attaches itself to the use of your site.

I DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

step 4: choose the slowest, most ineffectual ISP you can find, and for that extra special touch, use the most oversized, unweb-friendly images possible to ensure slowest possible download rates at any connection speed. [ten minutes later and there is still no sign of the splash screen's opening 25 meg image - always keep your audience waiting - they will probably give in at this point, but they'll be back in the hope of finally reading some news about their idol].

step 5: do not, under any circumstances, update the site information for at least four years: you wouldn't want your site to lose its inherent sense of mystery. now would you?

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

It's fourty five minutes later, and your fabulous 300 dpi 25 meg opening image has finally appeared on screen: It's slightly too large to view without scrowling around a fair bit, even when viewing with a screen rez of over 1024 X 768: that's all the better, I mean it's a kind of interaction in itself isn't it?

It is at this point that your intrepid surfer begins to realize that, no matter how hard he or she trawls through your rather vague index, and your rather impressive collection of 404 errors, you have virtually no information about the object of your site at all.

step 6: re-register the domain name of your hero or heroine whenever you have to: you cannot afford to let anyone else get their hands on it - what if their site looks better than yours? Just think, one day, the subject of your site might just surf on in!

step 7: relax, your work here is done.

Rollo