TWAT: SUPER-STAR SHANE RICHIE

Superstar light entertainer Shane Riche, 48, is to celebrate in style at the end of this week, when he is to launch his very own range of 'Late 70's' style 'Working Men's [night] clubs. Oh yes. Three-times crowned 'chile molestar', Richie, claims to have the power to heal defenseless animals with just the use of his stunningly cold eyes. He discovered this unique ability whilst on location in Blackpool, shooting scenes for a new drama series in which Richie plays a psychic detective on the trail of numerous sharp objects. Hilarious. "It's kind of like Morse, but with less classical." Claims Richie, who also had a hand in scripting the series, which he says is inspired by the life of Doris Stokes, "she had such an impact on my life in quite a small way."


Rollo

TELLY'S SICKEST SEX SCENES

In an attempt to reclaim his 'hard man of pop' image, singer Michael Jackson, also a gifted clairvoyant, is rumored to be staging a series of bare-knuckle boxing contests at his home [a converted amusement arcade in the heart of Las Vegas, the Blackpool of America]. Jackson, 26, has commissioned a specially designed concrete boxing ring fitted with handcuffs for 'shiver-pricing' - a type of bare knuckle tub-thumping where the fighters use stiletto blades, and have one hand each handcuffed to the ring.

"It's been a while, but I feel this is much more a case of going 'back to my routes'."

In the early days of his career, when Michael performed using a pair of specially constructed shoes as one of convicted arsonist gang The Jackson 5, millions of American fans would flock to concerts to watch Michael wrestle with all manner of half starved animals, including wild boar, feral cats, and pedigree poodles trained to savor the taste of human blood. But all charges were repeatedly dropped as the Jackson's were all too young to be prosecuted by The Man .

The remaining members of the gang evaded capture for more than twenty years, living out a kind of sick Vet fantasy in the rain forests of Asia, surviving by hunting the wild animals they had come to depend so much upon in their youth.

Rollo

Warning: the following blog contains high levels of irony: Shattered Windows: Operating System Error

Don't Go Out, Stay Indoors: The Ploy StayShunned 2 keeping the streets free of The Youth and Dole Scum alike...

Fox hunting = dozens of grown adults on horseback chasing a small wild animal, with a pack of trained dogs. For no good reason. And they get dressed up in special costumes. And once they catch the fox [ie once the dogs have torn it limb from limb], these well-to-do, overeducated 'people' smear the animal's blood over their new recruits. Lucky 'peasants' in the pay of the 'Hunt' get to keep what's left of the fox's skin as a gift. Are these the actions of the modern upper class taking care of 'pest control', or are these the antics of a spoilt class of anachronistic, overeductated, small minded robots living out a sick, meaningless, grotesque ritual?

Rollo

THE BREAKFAST CEREAL CAME TO REPRESENT EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOOD ABOUT THE TWENTIETH CENTURY: CHEMICALS, BRIGHT COLOURS, XENOPHOBIA, PACKAGING AND PROPAGANDA

Rollo Kim reveals the shocking truth behind the E65Ultra 'Fascist Breakfast' Project:

The Fascist Breakfast

A possible return to the eutopian 'über breakfast cereal' mentality of the twentieth century?


“The idea of breakfast cereals which have a high wax content is not new,” says Colin Merritt, a biotechnology development manager for Monsanto. “Manufacturers add plant waxes to try to stop the cereal soaking up milk and going soggy. But they are not terribly effective. Our idea is to set up a breeding program to produce a more waxy corn in the first place.”

unknown country.


"This isn't about cereal... it's about a whole new world order!" Simon Template: National Cereal Board [UK]

WORKING CLASS TYPES EVERYWHERE WERE IMPOTENT WITH RAGE AND ENRAGED BY THEIR IMPOTENCY

It was Britain, it was the nineties... street urchins and corporate execs the nation over were necking fistfuls of E's like there really was No Future, housewives across the nation were turning to masturbation and firearms as a way of escaping the mind-numbing realities of day-time soaps and make-over programs, working class types everywhere were impotent with rage and enraged by their impotency ...

In the same way that 'The Alien Chocolate Bar Conspiracy' heralded the end of the Alien Abduction Experience that dominated the America of the late twentieth century, [when it was discovered every one of the so called 'abductees' had consumed the same 'Texas' confectionery bar as children] the likes of Hon-E 'Nuf-Loops and Frost E Shredd E's, with their über-sugary, quasi-vitamin enriched goodness, encapsulated a need for a brighter, space aged future: the breakfast cereal as a truly futuristic, classless, consumer product.


Nu OxoRiboFibre Flakez: Too Cool For Cripples!

As we approached the end of the twentieth century the breakfast cereal, brightly packaged, reassuringly expensive and sorely lacking in any real nutritional value, came to represent everything that was good about the Twentieth Century: chemicals, bright colours, xenophobia, packaging and propaganda: like a drug induced smirk masking the terribly afraid, quivering mouth of the victim, helpless, cornered, and very much alone, we were a nation blind to ourselves. And this was not the first time that entire nations had fallen fowl of the New World Order Breakfast.

"Most folk tend to acquaint soggy breakfast cereals with lesbianism, bum boys, dole scum, single parents, blacks and immigrants..." explained self styled 'Nu-Cereal Designer' David Kerry at his sprawling South London Warehouse apartment, "those aren't the kind of people we want to associate our products with. It's really very simple... black and white... More coffee?"

"I mean the fact is..." he continued, "you'll find more vitamins and other so called 'nutrients' in a piece of burnt toast than you will in any of our cereals... but I didn't say that... so don't print that... seriously."


SUBTLE TOXINS

Our story really begins in the 1950's, and with Kellogg's Corn Flakes: reassuringly American, reassuringly bland, perfect for the UK market, Corn Flakes incorporated Kellogg's patented 'choose your own topping' system, where the breakfaster him / herself is placed in the position of choosing exactly how much sugar, honey, dried fruit or designer Cro-Magnon Yogurt he / she desires. But this is where the consumer's 'right to choose' ended. The Kellogg corporation, [established over two hundred years earlier by the proto-fascist occultist Doctor Michael Killhoeg himself] sensing the first signs of what would become the very first Youth Movement, quickly established a new regime of 'addictive-substance enriched cereals' for the hormone-fuelled teen: Project E65Ultra [named after the particularly potent artificial sweetener found in a certain 'Texas' bar] was born.

SAY KIDS, WHAT TIME IS IT?

It was no secret that some of America's leading breakfast cereal manufacturers employed former SS scientists in the manufacture of prototype E-numbers - colourings, additives and preservatives designed to produce a kind of Über-Cereal combining maximum crispness, with a fuller, whiter, more middle class or 'refined' sugar content.

Employing the likes of Gandalf Schutze [Adolph Hitler's personal dietician], a renowned researcher in food-additives and other subtle toxins, the Kellogg Corporation quickly became the shadowy instigators of a new system of control that would enslave hundreds of millions of children across the face of the western world. Like Agent Orange, Thalidomide, Gibbs SR Toothpaste and Television, The E65Ultra additives was entirely untested on human beings. In the same way that Sodium Laureth Sulfate [a chemical known to cause the growth of malignant moles in human skin tissue] is the prime ingredient of the overwhelming majority of hair products, liquid soap and floor cleaners, to this day E65U is still legally used in the manufacture of children's treats such as Skittles [where you really can taste the 'rainbow of psuedo-fruit flavours'], Hon-E 'Nuf-Loops ['Let's Loop tagevva'] and Head and Shoulders. All the flavour of nature's own fruit, with all of that risky 'goodness' taken out.

[ Image: Steven Cherry. Caption: Steven Cherry: intent on taking the fascist breakfast into the twentieth century ]


Weetabix: now there was a cereal which promised to save us all from constipation if EVER there was such a thing... how could they possibly go wrong:

Steven Cherry MD, 'iMaze Breakfasts Incorporated': "The whole Three Weetabix thing was very much in keeping with that whole Hitler Youth vibe" Cheery explains with a rye smirk, "the smiling Aerian youth, with perfect teeth and brylcremed hair, the freshly pressed brown
shirts, the leather, the jodhpurs, the willingness to surrender to a higher cause..."

There is always something quite ugly about a man of maturing years making an undignified attempt to recapture his missing youth [always a state of mind more than an age [= marketing] bracket. A state of mind which the likes of Cherry certainly never even tasted.



"SUGAR PUFFS WAS A PRETTY LAIM ATTEMPT TO CASH IN ON THE HOMOSEXUAL AS CONSUMER..."

I suggest to Cherry that he may be attempting to instigate a revival of the 'glory day's of the 90's Cereal Scene, when men the nation over went to work on a dry hunk of raw wheat soaking in a bowel of warm milk, and women stayed at home and cried a lot more than they do these days.

"We were looking to produce a cereal which suggested a number of things: masculinity; family values, obviously; bruised children, and battered housewives clutching at freshly cleaned work surfaces as they bite back tears; the proud white soldier standing victorious of the dirty savage... So Weetabix was a clear influence for us, it would be wrong of me to deny that.

"Sugar puffs was a pretty laim attempt to cash in on the homosexuall market. But then you look at the original concept behind 'Frasted Luchkie Chaaeeerhmss', and although it is much more of a full on 'Psychedelic, ahhh... a 'Hey Kids'...trippy, Acid-flash back headspace-ship' kind of brief, it also combines the more traditional 'little people' and 'drunken Irishness' vibe: so it's really a powerful dynamic between old and new stereotypes... and timed perfectly with the E Nation revival and the whole 'MickPop' vibe. "

The system, as ever, combining the ever-present pet-prejudices with a concept that the Situationist Movement referred to as 'recuperation': the artcrime of stealing new and rebellious ideas from the people and selling them back, removed of their original potency by the usual array of miscalculations, quality controls and lack of research.

"Golden Grahams..." a reminiscent smirk plays across his near lipless mouth, "very much a white supremacist breakfast... the handsome young white kid walks in with that self satisfied WASP smirk on his face and you just KNOW he's getting his girlfriend to do all kinds of dirty stuff between the sheets, whether she likes it or not. I mean it doesn't matter to him because it's Mother who takes care of the sheets - putting the female figure clearly in her place here... and that's really what marketing is all about... "

Putting people in their place?

"Exactly!"

But the irony is that Golden Grahams were laced with a homeopathic drug specifically engineered by the manufacturer to lower the sex drive of consumers - particularly the teenage males targeted by the ad campaigns, in the hope of producing a much more passive, subservient and less aggressive generation - making the decent, cereal loving folk safe from their hungry eyes and aching organs. But as we all know, your average teen is far more likely to go for coffee, cigarettes and a shot of schnapps before school than a bowel of sugar-and-flavourings laced horse chaff: a form of rebellion which even the likes of iMaze Cereals, with their E Generation packaging and 'wrap-sachets' of powdered sugar, are having a hard time recuperating. Cherry, who resembles an amalgamation of a Tory MP and an over-privalleged Skate Punk, in peddle pushers, candy-striped shirt and oversized Nike's, is quick to change the subject:

"Well obviously I can't talk about that - it's really not my field, but we're very much a 'now company'... I mean I honestly don't feel that we're in the habit of producing a 'sexist' foodstuff at least... because I mean I've always enjoyed the idea of the female consuming milk... it's very poetic - 'returning to the source' stuff. I mean, like most men, I hate puffs, don't get me wrong, but there's no site more appealing to me than two attractive young women kissing." There is an uncomfortable silence. Then he continues, "We may just make cereal here, but we're as much a part of the system as your Daily Mirror's... your BNP's... your Christian Malitia... whatever those dirty little subversives throw at us... we can always make it our own... I mean the tabloids alone have reclaimed bum-sex from the gay community. And I like to think we're doing our bit too."

Rollo

"While modern capitalism constantly develops new needs in order to increase consumption, people's dissatisfaction remains the same as ever. Their lives no longer have any meaning beyond a rush to consume, and this consumption is used to justify the increasingly radical frustration of any creative activity or genuine human initiative — to the point that people no longer even see this lack of meaning as important." Pierre Canjuers

nothingness.

Rollo

Boring Lesbian Boys Not Dead.

Rollo

The Ultimate IQ Test

Not that it matters but, me = "122 is your Ultimate IQ score. Your Intellectual Type is an Insightful Linguist.  Interesting... Like Charles Dickens, you have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. 71% of Insightful Linguists would be more tempted to see their main squeeze covered in whipped cream, than eat an ice cream sundae covered in whipped cream."

100 is average. Not bad for a half-pissed inumerated who never did a full day of school [but I got a degree!]. But the site seems to be 'for the ladies' though? Daring to find out if I'm a 'great date' I find myself trying to answer a question that starts: "You've been single for a while and are extremely anxious to find a boyfriend..." and I'm straight, I admit, [at least as far as I remember] - and I'm thinking, has it been that long?

And the verdict: "Sexuality:

It appears that you are a confident woman and you do not feel the need to use your sexuality to get a man." I'm also a tease apparently. And a bit cruel.


And the 'Man Test' = "VULCAN, God of Fire.

In a world full of philanderers, you are a cherished god. Though you might not be incredibly suave, your irresistible good nature makes you every woman's sweetheart. While all the other guys are stuck in their adolescent ways, you've got a maturity that all women ultimately desire. You present the perfect package to the ladies, with your combination of ingenuity and charm. They call it "marriage material." But let's not forget your erotic side. Between the sheets, you are unmatched. Your passion is like a volcano waiting to erupt. In your hands, a woman is simply a pleasure machine and you are the mechanic. Be careful not to make her overheat when you begin to work your magic! One night with you, and they'll know why you're called a true sex god. "

My name is Rollo and I'm feeling a bit better now thank you.

"It's so very ugly... and yet it seemed so frightened." Mariza, 20 Million Milrd To Earth

Three things occured to me in the night:

It suddenly occured to me how offensive Dawson's Creek really is: all these perfectly formed young wealthy white teens living in this lush coastal town moaning about how fucking hard their lives are?! Jesus, some of us just have it so hard. Let's start an appeal... save the WASP.

I'm going to be twenty eight in one months time.

The fairy tale propoganda factor: if it looks ugly then it is evil. If you have been told that it is evil then it is evil . So when was the last time you were a witness to the attack of a savage gang of marauding burn victims? When was the last time you read about a gang of innocent heterosexual males savagely assaulted by a savage gang of marauding homosexuals? Or a group of badly dressed, unemployed small town kids leading a series of savage bombing raids on the major cities of other countries? Or a gang of wheelchair bound subversives emptying the bank accounts of major government officials?

"All that smiling can't be entirely self induced."

Rollo.