Queen Cautioned over trampled flowers

Celebrities such as Cher, Kylie, Posh Spite, Steve Strange, Justin Timberlake, Jim Davidson, Keith Chegwin and Robbie Williams are turning to the use of latex full-body suits of their own image in order to maintain an appearance of 'eternal youth.'

The likes of Fluck and Law (the creators of Spitting Image and Maryland Mansionhouse) and the Jim Henson Creature Workshop are charging up to one million American dollars for a latex 'full-body skin suit', life-like in every detail, right down to the flawless, under-used complexions and pristine genitalia of the star, capture 'in their prime'.

The suits contain a unique synthetic pore-system which allows the user to wear the suit up to twenty-four hours a day

The tides of time can be cruel, and chemicals such as cocaine, lager, and burgers have a tendency to cause swelling in the pores, the Porsche, and the stomach. But for the celebrity, there is the added risk of increasing mental instability.

Celebrity, a condition long associated with psychological disorders such as bipolar disorder, and a total lack of personality, has always been something of a stigma. We'd rather not ask. We don't want to know too much because it's kind of creepy, isn't it? These people, sure, they're entertaining, but they just aren't normal!

Former Glories

A full-body suit, replicating the appearance of the celebrity as they were in their prime, may help to alleviate many of the condition's more extreme symptoms. Researchers such as Connie M. Strong of Stanford University are beginning to suggest that disorders such as celebrity and manic depression may exist due to the same genes. Bipolar disorder, creativity and stardom often cause people to suffer from extreme mood swings. Many sufferers choose to 'self-medicate' with drugs and alcohol. They may also suffer suicidal tendencies when depressed due to ill health or a lack of press coverage. Sufferers of Celebrity may appear more creative and entertaining from a distance, but these are the symptoms of a serious mental disorder.

Human dignity, a right many of us take for granted, is a vital component in the rehabilitation from stardom to normality. Image consultancy and PR can only go so far in substituting for a star's lack of genuine personality. The likes of Robbie will always look like shaved chimps no matter who they employ to dress them, but the ability to become self-aware can be learned, and with it, the ability to recognise when one is looking like an idiot.

Both Cher and Robbie are now in their sixties and have yet to develop any form of distinguishable personality traits of their own. The Sugerbabes celebrate their thirtieth year in the pop business this year; none of the acts members are able to communicate in a recognisable language structure of any form.

It's long been understood that looks aren't really everything, but for personality-deficient people like Robbie and J Lo, dressing like a whore is really all they have. Just ten or twenty pounds a month spent on their latest effort can keep them in over-priced clothing and bleach for up to two days. So please, think of these underprivileged Celebrity sufferers when you're down your local having a good time with some genuinely decent people.

A top scientist: Chemicals such as gin, smack, and fags have a weathering effect on the skin and haircuts of most pop stars. Letting people in power do whatever they want with them also has a tendency to induce premature ageing. Style and dignity can be retained, no matter how rough you look, but sufferers of Celebrity Syndrome are robbed of these elements as stardom sets in. The likes of Kylie and Rob have such low dignity ratios to begin with, there's very little we can do other than disguise them, or turn them into someone completely different with the aid of a radical psychotropic such as Skry or Carbemazipene, or some sort of face-mask. We have to remember that the likes of Eminem, J Lo and Elton aren't real people - not like you and I; they are flawed, undignified, they spend millions of dollars on unstylish clothes that don't fit them, and when you kiss them, they always taste of sick.

Smell like sick

Most surprising, the latest scientific research continues to suggest that Robbie, Kylie, Cathy Dennis and S Club Seven, amongst others, really do smell like sick.

Rollo