Gunner Milligan: 1918 - 2002 R.I.P

Rollo

HELP ME I'M IN HELL

From the people what brung you 'Bagpipe Moods' and 'Senile Rumblings Volume 2'':

Urban Moods: let this 6 CD set ease you into a false sense of security. Urban streets silent save for the hum of street lights and the distant chime of breaking glass. Drunken ramblings, kids beating up a dog, young couples arguing at embarrasingly loud levels, sirens wail... the subliminal chime of a million TV sets, and the guy in the room next door muttering to himself about 'why the left him behind' when the others moved...

Coming soon: Death Metal Moods Volume 8, The Sounds of a Struggle, and The Out-Patient Sessions. Stay tuned!

Rollo

BATTLE OF THE TV CHEFS: NIGELLA THROWS DOWN GAUNTLET

Nigella Lawson, former Police dog handler turned TV Chef / female impersonator, slated the likes of Jamie 'Lowa' fat mallarcky' Oliver for 'selling out' on their hardcore upper class following. "Back in the day, Jamie would not have thought once about adding a little roast duck, venison or peasant [sic] into the mix, he won't even touch long pig these days. He's a fucking coward honky bitch homo. His days are numbered. I'm here to take back the formulae to my home counties, nahmean?"

Yet it was Oliver who recently hit the news when his latest eatery was closed down by the man, after a series of drive by shootings left regular clientele in fear of their lives. "This has gone too far," confessed Oliver, 37, looking healthy but fatigued beneath the wide brim of a purple paisley fedora. One of his semi-naked servants arrives, hands him a moist towel. He mops his brow, and there is a hint of concern on his face when he tells me "things have changed. The whole TV thing has lost its sense of spontaneity, we need to get back to the routes, start bringing back some prime Delia into the mix."

"long pig surprise," breathes Oliver, "a dish from my childhood, and very, very special. When I first come to your country, you know, the only thing I know how to make is French toast, and long pig surprise." [sic]

Rollo.

Whatever happened to the heroez?

Rollo.